Here are five questions you should ask yourself before trying to get back together with an ex.

My ex and I ended our relationship for the first time after I discovered that he had been having an email affair with another woman. I confronted him about it during our senior year of college—we’d been dating when we were freshmen—and he responded by telling me that he needed some time to start figuring out who he was without me. His drinking continued for the next few months, with him hurling things off the ceiling of his house, mainly beer cans, and once an entire pumpkin into a pile of snow while I yelled at him from the other side of my apartment building’s glass front door. It took four years for us to finally call it quits after he cheated on me for the fourth time (but I’d have taken him back at that point, too, if he hadn’t fled our flat with all of his possessions while I was out of town while I was away from home).

So, to summarize: whether or not we’ve met (hi! ), I have strong feelings about whether or not you ought to get back together with your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend. It has taken me eight years to form strong opinions, eight years to berate myself, and eight years to perform mental gymnastics in order to rationalize and excuse so much wrongdoing and a poor choice to make on both our parts. Breakups are not like getting a terrible hair day; they are not something that just happens. In other words, if you’ve destroyed your relationship, it wasn’t by chance that you did so.

Read also messages for ex boyfriend to get him back

Here are some questions I’d like you to consider before you slip back into your ex’s direct messages. I hope you find them useful.

1. Are you certain, or are you simply heartbroken?

Broken hearts are liberating and reparative, and they’re almost always sorrowful, and being in a state of mourning is difficult. It is something that very few of us would’ve chosen ourselves. Standing outside in the cold when a friend is waiting by the fire with a hot drink is the definition of sadness. We’ve evolved to run in the direction of warmth. What’s the catch?

For those who have recently experienced a breakup, this means returning to the relationship. The end of a relationship is painful! You want to feel better, don’t you? As a result, the breakup must be undone! Going through a period of deep sadness could take years to complete. Getting out of my funk required therapy, a move to a new city, a cliché tattoo, a lot of crying on the commuter train, and a drastic haircut in my case. For those who are unsure whether or not to get back together, ask yourself these questions: Am I confident in my decision, or am I simply heartbroken right now?

If it is the latter, prepare yourself a snack of your choosing. Drink some water to refresh yourself. Make a phone call to a friend. For those of you who haven’t been outside today, take a quick walk around the block and then continue walking. Allow your own two feet to carry you a little further than they were able to the day before. Take any number of actions that will assist you in lifting the veil, and then reexamine your choices.

2. What would you say to your closest buddy if they were in the identical situation as you are in now?

However, while nobody can really truly know what is going on behind closed doors in a relationship, it can be beneficial to ask yourself what you would tell your closest mate if they were in your shoes instead. Was the split a long time in the making, or was it a spur-of-the-moment decision?

Whether you’re filled with remorse or filled with relief, you need to decide. So, if you’d tell your friend to take a deep breath then see how they feel in the early hours, it’s possible that you should follow your friend’s example. How do you feel if your own pals express relief at the news of your breakup? Take note of how you were responded to. Your ex may possess admirable characteristics, but it’s worth considering why you’re the only one who notices them.

3. What would it take for you to be able to fix the problems you were experiencing—and are you both willing to put forth the effort?

I am an active supporter of therapy of all kinds, especially couples’ therapy, which has been a life-changing experience for me and my husband. When my ex and I were in the midst of what would turn out to be our final breakup, I sought the assistance of a therapist for us. Because my ex-boyfriend continued to refuse to walk through the door, she ended up serving as my therapist. You’d think that would have been sufficient punishment, but I continued to make excuses for him right up till the last minute.

All of this is to say that if your ex appears to want to get back together while also being unwilling to put in the hard work necessary to fix the broken parts (or vice versa), then that is an answer in and of itself. As opposed to this scenario, what happens if your ex-partner is right there with you through thick and thin? When you seek the guidance of a neutral party, you have the potential to discover a new and more productive way of being together.

4. Have you given yourself enough time to recover from the breakup?

If you’re thinking of getting back together with your ex, try giving it a week before you decide. Then there’s another week. And then there’s one more. Consider it similar to a 30-day return policy (or even a 90-day return policy): You’ll need to have some time to clear your head and shake off the cobwebs from your previous relationship before you can see clearly again. By taking the time to consider as to if getting back together feels right and good, or if it just feels easy, you can pay tribute to whichever confluence of feelings & events led to the breakup—as well as the confidence it took to walk away. It’s not a flash-sale clearance sweatshirt; if you and your ex are both determined to give it another shot, it will still be there when you make that decision—together, with the gathered knowledge and experience gained during your separation.

5. What is it that you are most afraid of?

I still have nightmares about my ex-boyfriend. Earlier in the evening, he was revamping an apartment, and as I accompanied him through the vast space, I realized that none of his design choices took me into consideration. I knew he was uncaring and cold, and I did know I would be miserable for the rest of my life if I stayed, so I kept begging him to let me stay. During these dreams, it becomes clear that I was more frightened of being unhappy alone than I was of being grumpy with someone else. My eagerness for a relationship overshadowed my ability to recognize that we had outgrown each other a long time ago. These dreams, I believe, are my way of figuring that out over and over again; they are my way of attempting to familiarize myself with the feeling of loneliness. I was ostensibly single for nearly five years before meeting the man who would become my husband. My loneliness was intense, but I had learned to love myself enough to understand that I would not settle for anything less than a real partner, a great person, and the kind of love that I knew I was able to give to others.

Allowing fear to guide your judgments is a surefire way to shrink yourself down to the point where you are no longer recognizable as yourself. The vast undefinable on the other side of your relationship can be terrifying, yes, but it can also be fantastic, like an aurora borealis of freshness and light, tap dance lessons as well as the weird shoes your ex hated, or a solo short break where you forget your passport on a train and have it returned to you by a kind stranger on the other side of your relationship. Perhaps your ex-partner will be a portion of that life; perhaps they will not. But you’ll be there, living, steered by nothing less than your own pure heart, regardless of what happens.

5 Questions to Ask Before Reuniting with an Ex by Joshua Samuel